Maybe I'm depressed or something

I guess that's what it is. Maybe, hopefully, it's just a temporary condition because I'm just so tired of watching my gramma die slowly, ever so slowly -- a little bit more of her gone every day it seems. It's very sad. And it's wearing me out -- draining the life out of me -- more mentally than anything. Her hospice nurse said that she had declined around 30% during the month of March when he visited last Friday and I'm not handling this prolonged, protracted dying process very well.

I wish I had taken the beautiful photo above but I found it here and I loved the comment that one person made, "A very nice shot. I congratulate you for this picture and it really touch my heart because the water drops on it can't make her alive anymore." I can actually feel the reality that this photo portrays.

Consequently, I'm not very creative right now. I feel a little brain dead myself and like I want to hold at bay all feeling and emotions. Too painful to allow so I fill my bits of spare time with meaningless TV shows (like the Chuck link I've just added to the page) or movies that make me laugh and escape when I have time to escape the present circumstances. Some people seem to draw creativity out of the dark places in their lives but it appears that I'm more of a fair weather creative.

Are you able to create during times of stress and sadness or heavy situations? I'd be interested in hearing from others and their experiences.

Comments

marianne said…

first laurie, i am so sorry. it sounds like a very difficult time. what i find myself doing when things are tough is more doodle/play/experimentation- if i can. try not to be concerned about the end result, just try to let things work their way out. i'm sure it's different for everyone.

April 5, 2009 at 5:23 PM

Leau said…

I don't know what to say. I am sorry it is so draining and yet maybe what is draining out is what needs to go. I know you are so creative and will be again. Think of this time as winter when things are not shown but still growing and getting ready to burst forth with a great explosion of color and life. my heart to your heart. smooches

April 5, 2009 at 8:02 PM

Unknown said…

Hey Mom! I am sorry for you during this drawn out process! The picture is really something!!! I release emotions when I blog, and I hope blogging about what you are going through during this time has helped in some way!!! I love you mom, and you will be proud of me, I am in the middle of watching Chuck!!! :) Love You!

April 6, 2009 at 7:15 PM

moongipsies said…

Unfortunately.. have been there myself.
Thinking of you...

April 8, 2009 at 12:42 AM

the grand duke of hop canyon

. Two o’clock this morning I was awake and afraid to go out of my bedroom because of not knowing whether my dog, Duke, would still be breathing or not. Jimmy was sleeping on the couch in the living room to be near him, just in case. He’s been in and out of the dog hospital the past couple weeks while they tried to figure out what was going on with him and they decided on Monday that a cancerous tumor on his spleen was causing his declining health. Actually, he was in pretty serious condition when he went back to the vet’s office this past Saturday. I’ve been grieving since then and I guess I’m weary of the pain. The pain of grief is odd – it seems to rise to the surface and be multiplied by each loss that is experienced. I think partly because it is simply a reminder of other losses but also each loss has some regrets associated with it and each loss permanently removes a blessing and a joy of some kind from our lives that we must learn to do without. And then once you’ve experienced...

Leona Mae Killoy. 3-25-1914 to 4-29-2009

. I feel so sad and relieved all at the same time but Gramma passed away this week on Wednesday. I didn't know it was possible to feel both emotions to this extent, all at the same time. What a fighter she was. CHF, diabetes, heart valve issues etc., and 95 years of age but man, such a fierce little thing. She actually had a fever of over 108 degrees before she finally gave it up the other day...it was crazy. Her nurse said he had never seen anything like it. She was always so fussy about her appearance and grooming she would've hated the way her hair looked that day. She was also very, very picky about her personal comfort. We were always fluffing pillows and changing her sleeping (beds, bedding, etc.) and resting (chairs, couches, recliners, etc.) accoutrements because it seemed her opinions about such things changed weekly. Her food preferences changed frequently also and she preferred a varied menu up until the last week or so. Except for a few standbys. If nothing else sou...

what a mess!

Cloth Paper Scissors is publishing a special issue about studios . It will hit the news stands early in October. There's a lovely photo on the cover of some artist's very nicely appointed, clean, well kept art space. It will also have, " 85 ways to find, sort and store your stash " and " 11 best organizing tips from an expert " and " BIG solutions for small spaces ". I need to read all of these articles, I'm sure and I'm really looking forward to getting a copy so I can be inspired and encouraged by all those organized artists. Or possibly not. Usually, I just feel depressed when I see the large, clean, orderly work spaces that other artists work in. Anyway, just knowing this special issue was coming out has made me think about what condition my art condition is in. Here's mine... Sorta pathetic. Actually, I try to be organized. I really make an attempt at being organized but I don't love to organize or the discipline that it takes ...

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